~Old Friend~

 I started having grand mal seizures at 19. They were infrequent, unpredictable and made me very uncomfortable, confused and exhausted for sometimes a week afterwards. After I was scanned, probed, sleep tested, studied, and made miserable I never got a definite diagnosis.They guessed it to be epilepsy but weren't certain..with no certainty I refused medication and dealt with the seizures on my own. Occasionally, I still get that feeling that I may have one. Being in loud places with lights and great music seem to trigger that feeling in my brain. I've been lucky enough to not have one for a long time. I do wake up some mornings or in the middle of the night feeling like I may have seized while asleep and will wake up sometimes very nauseous. Along with these curious seizures came anxiety. Wow. What a horrible creature anxiety can be. Anxiety can be different for people. For me: vertigo, vomiting, and other disabling reactions. I don't "feel like I'm dying" or the other clique terms people tend to associate anxiety with...I just feel like I have the worst flu you could ever imagine. Any kind of stress(good or bad) can trigger my seizures and feelings of anxiety. I haven't had an anxiety attack in almost 4 years and happy to say its been 8 since my last known seizure. I still go to concerts, places where there are gatherings, etc because I truly LOVE going...but I know that by avoiding them I'm guaranteed an anti anxiety/seizure filled evening.  I do not take medications and I tend to avoid stressful or exciting situations. Maybe one day if I feel like I can't manage it anymore i will start looking into medical options. I stay well rested, try to avoid alcohol, eat well, stay balanced, meditate on my blessings and gratitude, use some aromatherapy, and do different mind distractions to refocus: reading, walking, get focused on a project, write obnoxious to do lists, and fold laundry( i know its awfully lame but it helps). I try not to be bitter when I hear of adventurous 5 day music festivals some of my friends go to or when I'm celebrating with family or friends and everyone is drinking except me.  Adopting the process of babying my brain has kept me healthy for a nice amount of time and hopefully my "old friend" will stay just that....an "old friend"